My favourite Hilarious Quotes

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Groucho Marx

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.         
Casey Stengel

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
W. C. Fields

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron

The triple is the most exciting play in baseball. Home runs win a lot of games, but I never understood why fans are so obsessed with them.
Hank Aaron

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Edward Abbey

For me, writing a short story is much, much harder than writing a novel.
Lynn Abbey

I've read short stories that are as dense as a 19th century novel and novels that really are short stories filled with a lot of helium.
Lynn Abbey

Today more than ever we need creative minds to address the issues of the age. And one of the most urgent is this: How can humanity know so much, achieve so much, and still fail so many people so badly?
King Abdullah II

As brilliant an individual that Michael Jordan was, he was not successful until he got with a good team unit.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

I expect more people from China and Asia to end up in the NBA.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wild Life.
Muhammad Ali

I'm not the greatest; I'm the double greatest. Not only do I knock 'em out, I pick the round.
Muhammad Ali

I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
Muhammad Ali

When Jesus comes back, these crazy, greedy, capitalistic men are gonna kill him again.
Mike Tyson

1913 wasn't a very good year. 1913 gave us the income tax, the 16th amendment and the IRS.
Ron Paul

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Woody Allen

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?
Steven Spielberg

A lot of people like to do certain things, but they're not that good at it. Keep going through the things that you like to do, until you find something that you actually seem to be extremely good at. It can be anything.
George Lucas

A lion's work hours are only when he's hungry; once he's satisfied, the predator and prey live peacefully together.
Chuck Jones

Fog and smog should not be confused and are easily separated by color.
Chuck Jones

Human beings will line up for miles to buy a bucket of catastrophes, but don't try selling sunshine and light - you'll go broke.
Chuck Jones

The older I get, the more individuality I find in animals and the less I find in humans.
Chuck Jones

The only time a wife listens to her husband is when he's asleep.
Chuck Jones

I've never met a genius. A genius to me is someone who does well at something he hates. Anybody can do well at something he loves - it's just a question of finding the subject.
Clint Eastwood

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country.
Clint Eastwood

I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.
Bruce Lee

Beer, it's the best damn drink in the world.
Jack Nicholson

I'm a New Wave baby, so I got very stimulated by foreign film.
Jack Nicholson

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.
Will Rogers

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.
Will Rogers

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
Will Rogers

In soloing - as in other activities - it is far easier to start something than it is to finish it.
Amelia Earhart

I was always afraid of dying. always. It was my fear that made me learn everything I could about my airplane and my emergency equipment, and kept me flying respectful of my machine and always alert in the cockpit.
Chuck Yeager

I have seen the science I worshiped, and the aircraft I loved, destroying the civilization I expected them to serve.
Charles Lindbergh

Everybody loves you when you're six foot in the ground.
John Lennon